Dear Junk Mail Solicitors
Dear Junk Mail Solicitors,
I would like to personally thank each and every one of you for all the attention that you have given me lately. Being wanted so much has definitely increased my self esteem and financial self worth to an extent unseen since I was a fearless toddler with doting parenting.
I especially appreciate the contracts that look like real checks. I am sure these fake checks are meant to confuse aging senior citizens and new immigrants who are still naive with our capitalistic ways. I wish you luck tricking people out of their money.
I also cherish the daily mortgage offers, especially with interest rates higher than my current mortgage. How else would I calculate the equity of my home when I purchased it so many years ago? It is so much more useful than the current equity value of my home. Heck, I may never know when I need to impulsively cash out the equity of my home with a company that I have never heard of before. Also, I even find it humorous that you know my original mortgage company that almost immediately transferred my mortgage to another company. Thank you for helping me recall those fond memories.
As for the credit card applications with low interest rates and great rewards, I am continuously surprised at how much credit you are willing to give someone who you do not know. You are very generous companies with no regard of your own credit score by loaning people money at a low 29% interest. I can't wait to use my frequent flyer miles, even though I hate to fly and get air sick often.
As for your magazine offers, I especially value your extremely low offers to magazine subscriptions that I never heard of before or have no interest in. However, if you can learn how to spell my last name correctly, then I will make an effort to purchase your subscription. I can always use more kindling.
And finally, I am always grateful of those free seminars on how to invest in real estate and the stock market; but so far, my full time job and family has prevented me from having enough time to attend. So, please keep sending me offers. I am sure I will attend one of these days.
Next time I see a letter in my mailbox marked "urgent" or "open immediately," I will gleefully and quickly open your envelopes looking for more ways to save money. Once again, thank you again for all the attention and free offers. I look forward with doing business with you in the near future.
P.S. For those you who are not familiar with sarcasm, please look it up.